If you would've asked me ten weeks ago--even five weeks ago--if I was ready to have this baby, I would've looked you in the eyes and exclaimed with jubilation, "Yes. Yes I am!" But now, as my time continues to creep upon me, I'm left feeling perplexed and slightly confused. Here I am...so close. A part of me wants to know the day, the hour, and the minute of when this huge, life-changing transformation will take place. Another part of me, however, is scared to death and wants to prolong any kind of normalcy I can still grasp onto. Is that wrong? I can't really explain how I feel.
Everyone says a baby changes you. That is completely understandable, but I think it goes deeper than that. I think it changes those around us more than we imagine. If you've ever heard the old adage: "It takes a village to raise a child," you can understand where I'm going with this. From day one, this baby had changed the lives of my family and friends. They love this baby in their own big ways, and understanding that love is going to be something that I will welcome and stress about all at the same time. This responsibility that I will now have in my life will transcend onto more than just me and my husband. People are expecting me to take care of things, and people are expecting to all have a place in his life. Thankfully, I have great family and friends to surround him with, but it still brings about a bit of anxiety.
At the beginning of things, I'm going to be doing my best to figure out what I'm doing. I've obviously never done this before, so the pressure of the expectations people will have will be slightly overwhelming. Everyone says that I'll figure it out, but I'm not so sure. How is anyone ever sure she has figured "it" out?
I can't even begin to imagine all the ways in which our lives will change. There will be an onslaught of new fears, only these will be emotional--not physical. Every noise I hear (or don't hear) will probably set me on edge. Every time he cries, I'll wonder if he needs fed, changed, cooled off, warmed up, snuggled, protected, or lain down to sleep, and every time I leave him with someone else, I'll be wondering how he's making it without mama bear. :) On the other hand, I'm about to experience a new kind of love I've never felt. I'm about to be needed in a way in which no one else could ever need me. I'm about to wake up into a new world where my life wouldn't be complete without this new little person. AND THIS IS ALL GOING TO HAPPEN IN TWO WEEKS!
On a lighter, more carefree note, I'm 38 weeks and three days along. My heartburn has disappeared, but the swelling in my ankles has returned. I still have the same aches and pains. My weight gain stood still this week. I'm stuck at 41 pounds. This is the first time I haven't gained in nine months! The doctor said that I still haven't dilated or anything. I'm not in any hurry, though. It's good for him to continue growing at this point, and it gives me a little bit more time to get everything in order and situated.
Until next week!